Another month and a half gone and I haven't blogged :)

This isn't really going to be a "bloggity-blog" but more or less just a couple of statements of fact...

1. If you "LOVE" your family and have promised to "support" them, then get off your ass and do it already - some of us are tired of excuses
2. If you think that everything is "OK" you are wrong - wake up and REALLY listen to what someone close to you is saying
3. Giving a hoot about what your spouse is saying and actually going out and doing something about it EVERYDAY is better than saying you will and only doing it for 24 hours - half assed...
4. If you think I'm going to forgive and trust that easily, you don't know me that well
5. Stories about how, what and where need to be constant otherwise the trust will NEVER be rebuilt
6. I'm damn near done.

There ya'll go, and now I am done... thanks

Febuary 15th

I'm sitting here thinking about some things that have been happening and then I'm thinking my baby girl is going to be 2 in 5 days! 2 already! I can not believe that 2 years ago today I was stressing out that I had not gone into labor, that I haven't been dilating and THEN to top it all off I was going to have a girl instead of a boy lol... I will never forget the day she was born, what an experience that was, unlike her siblings, and I was so scared, afraid I had done something wrong to make her breach and to have a C-Section was horrifying to me... however, it was fitting to how she is :) You want her to do something, she gives you the same look she gave the morning she was born - that "If you want me come get me" look.

Then I think about when she was in the hospital 9 months later, how terrified I was we would lose her, how frail she looked and then how she refused to laugh after she came home... She's only 2 and I swear this little Angel of mine will be the death of me, he brothers NEVER give these kinds of scares. I think about everything our little family has gone through in the last 2 years and it amazes me how we have stuck through it all together, how close we are and how much we love one another. I guess God really did know what he was doing in my life, and I am so thankful for the knowledge that at least someone did lol.

But did God really have to allow my Angel, my Princess to grow up so fast?

First of Feb.

I have so much to say, that I have started... deleted.. re-started... and deleted again. I just don't know where to start and where to go. Aggravations, memories and just some plain thoughts going through my head. It started as a plain day, grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning house, and sanitizing everything in sight because of 7 days of yuck flu stuff floating around the house. Then I realized: Tomorrow will be one year since I got laid off - boy what a weird whirlwind of a year and maybe now it's starting to calm down a bit. I didn't even think of this when I saw my ex-boss and he took off in his car like a bat out of hell when he saw me (now THAT was really funny I laughed so hard, I mean really what the heck did he think I was going to do?) If you follow this blog of mine at all you have followed some of the turmoil that has been around and all the BS that we have all been through, lived through and have survived and yet, somehow people think that the same ole crap is worth the battle.

I decided this past year that enough was enough with alot of stuff, as you know and this past week was no different. After years of following other peoples crap, hanging on to stuff that was painful and unhealthy I let it go. I finally let it go... Yes, this meant that I had to let someone out of my life, whom I loved at one point and didn't really want to let out of my life completely and yet knew we were very different people, with very different lives. I am proud of myself for this, it has taken along time to come to this point, as it does when people share a past. But I am VERY proud of myself. However it just ticks me off when people don't think that enough is enough and have to drag their crappy lives to my doorstep, hurt me and then try to pin my decision of walking away as being selfish. Maybe it is, but it is a healthy selfish and I'm not sorry for it. I am really sorry that you, as a human being can not walk away from past hurts and accept reality... life is too short to worry about what you think and I am happy and you are not in this happiness...

If others negativity affects you and there isn't much you can do about it, then how do you get past it? Well I'm not quite sure about this as of yet, but I do know a change is coming and if I have learned anything, it is that God will not give us more than we can handle. Change is everywhere at all times and all we have to do is choose to look at it in a positive light and it will change us for the better. Sometimes is does not always seem like a positive change, and sometimes it is not received well, however it can and will be received. The trick is to pray, pray for guidance and strength and things will have a good outlook. Change is not easy by any means, this I know for a fact. I do know, however that change is necessary in life. Patience is also necessary and this is a virtue that I do not have much of when it comes to stupidity and lack of common sense within people. I have a well of Patience with my children and my husband, but it is something I have a hard time working on with others. So a continual prayer for guidance and Patience is necessary for me. If you are going through a change this year remember to pray for guidance and patience. It does work and God is changing your life, just remember that.

The first blog of the new year

The first blog of a new year... I'm not really sure what to write, which direction I should go. After this past year the first week of the new year seems rather calm and relaxing. Of course there are thoughts of a new directions to take this year and so far those thoughts are moving forward. I suppose I could go forward with some thoughts and feelings, I could go on and on about other things a little more personal as well... However, I'm not sure where to start or even if I'm ready to make some statements I've been thinking about. So I think I'll start with how Christmas went and how New Years went too... As most of you know Ms. Mikayla missed her first Christmas in 2009 by being at Loma Linda, so this year was an emotional wreck for me. She was home, and we treated it as her first Christmas really... because for Jesse and I, even for the boys it really was, she was home. I cried all morning as she riped through presents and played with her new toys. I couldn't help it, my sweet baby girl was home. Jesse and I felt truly blessed to have her with us this year, to be able to play with her instead of being apart form her and then dressed in medical gowns just to hold her, as we had to do last year. New Years was a wonderful time as well. Jess and I have had issues the last couple of months and really hadn't been getting along most of the year, and it was really nice to be able to go to lunch for our anniversary New Years Eve,talk and be ourselves for the first time in a very long time. We celebrated our 6th year of marriage and reflected on the ups and downs we have had, and how much we really do still love each other. With all of that Jesse's issues have subsided, well really stopped completely and that's a good thing for him and for us. He is still attending somethings that I have asked him to attend and he is working well in these things. He has returned to the man I married and fell in love with. More drive and ambition than I have seen in him for a long time now. His humor and Patience with his children has returned and his anger issues he was having issues with have subsided... Thank you so much for all the prayers that were sent our way, God is wonderful and is merciful. I'm still attending school still doing well in it as well. Looking forward to my degree, it really has been a long time coming for me and I am pleased with the decision to go back and doing it all from home. It can be trying at times, however it is worth being here and showing my children how important schooling really is even when you are "old" like their mother. I know that with the schooling there is a light at the end of the tunnel and so much more I need to work on within myself. Okay this blog is all over the place and I think I'm going to stop now because really there is no direction here... I hope your first week within the New Year has been as peaceful as mine seems to be so far and full of reflection and the sense that things need to change... remember that you CAN change the world, but first you must make the changes with in your self first... God bless you all and keep you safe - HE will not give you anything that you can not handle it WILL make you stronger :)

Christmas Letter

This year I am doing something a bit different. I am going to write the Christmas letter on here, rather than sending one with the Christmas cards. There are several reasons for this, and one of them being I didn't get the paper in time to send out letters to everyone... sorry and please pass it along if you'd like.

Merry Christmas 2010 and Happy New Year 2011

This year has brought a lot of change to us. After a whirl-wind ending last year, Mikayla spending her very first Christmas at Loma Linda Children's Hospital with an infection and coming home right before the New Year, and the boys spending the week of Christmas with dear friends and then Christmas without their little sister... We survived it and happy to say she is healthy and happy and a normal little girl.

January brought tidings of wonderful things, Mikayla being home the most important, and Jess and I brought in the New Year celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary. Micah turned 4 as well and is learning how to read and write too.

February brought more change. I lost my job with Statewide Storage, and that meant another move and no where to go. The same friends who took care of our boys over Christmas took us in and here we are still, turning a horrible situation into something special for them. Dakota started a new school, which is hard on any child, epically in the middle of a school year. He was blessed to be able to walk everyday and making new friends who live close.

The Spring did not bring much activity, warm weather and lots of playtime outside. We lost Jesse's Grandmother the week before Easter, and knowing that she is with our Lord for her favorite holidays and not in pain anymore is a nice thought.

This Summer, Dakota spent much time with my Mom and Dad at their Ranch in Arizona, learning how to make pottery, horseback riding and such. We are hoping that this Summer Micah will be able to go as well and enjoy it just as much. It also brought on birthdays and me deciding to go back to school - finally. I am doing well with this and enjoying every moment of earning my degree at home while spending more time with my kids. This season also brought forth a new addition to our family. Laura and her husband Matthew had their first child Elizabeth Lavonne.

In September Dakota turned 10 years old and started 5th grade. He was blessed with a teacher who is partial to red-heads and understands Dakota and how he is.

October brought sad news, as I lost my own Grandma Betty. She had been sick for so long it was a relief to us on some level, and it made me think of how thankful I am that I inherited her skills of baking, especially during the Christmas season when there is so much to do.

November Jesse turned 30! Now he's an old man :) He is still without a job and looking more and more each day.

For December, we lost another dear loved one in the beginning of the month and really are thankful for the loved ones we still have with us, but also take comfort that everyone we have lost are safe and warm within the arms of our Savior on HIS Birthday. We helped my parents move my last surviving Grandmother Lavonne up here to the High Desert, so she can be closer and we all can help Mom more with her.

We are hoping that this season brings lots of good wishes and tons of blessings to your family. My New Year's wish for everyone this year is that you cherish your loved ones, remember that no matter how bad things may seem, there is ALWAYS a silver lining and a light at the end. Hug and kiss your children often and tell those you love how much they mean to you always. Change is difficult, but not so powerful you can not overcome it.

God Bless you all and have a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Love all of us,

Jesse, Jillian, Dakota, Micah and Mikayla.

What a Day

Today was a dear friends funeral. This marks the third funeral this year I have attended, and out of all three I think this one hit me the hardest. I knew that Ken had impacted my life, and that he had touched so many lives in the course of his life, but until today I don't think I had ever really told anyone how much he had impacted mine. How much I loved him, I think I really take that for granted sometimes, and today I realized just how much I thought this man would live forever. I know he will live in our hearts for as long as we remember him, but really I thought he would always be there in my life... like I said forever. It was not so long ago, when a lost girl was trying to find her way in this world and a wonderful set of people, who loved my Mom and Dad so much,they took me into thier lives, opened thier hearts, and changed me forever. Ken, Phil and Sharon were these people. By opening thier arms and hearts, they taught me how to love fully. My Mom and Dad had shown me, and for some reason or another I ignored them, closing my heart to those who I knew loved me. Ken and Phil,along with Sharon for some reason I listened to them. I knew without a doubt that they were the REAL meaning of love and acceptance. Don't ask me why, but I have always known that I was a bit too much for my poor Mom and Dad at times, and I am so thnkful that these wonderful people were there for my Mom and Dad when I was so lost and consumed by myself and the world. Throughout this time this trio of Angels taught me how to overcome fears, to love with all of my heart and how to be the Mom, Wife and Child I needed and wanted to be my whole life. How to laugh when things looked grim and how to be charitable even when I felt worthless. I thank God everyday for these people. I think that my life without them would be far worse than my worse day, and far too lonely for me to bare. I am only sorry that I did not take the time in my busy life to go to Ken's home during these last days and see him, love him and thank him personally. Because of that I thanked his fmaily for sharing him with me. They know the struggle I've been through and they have never faulted me for any of it. So tonight I want to say to Phil and Sharon, to my own Mom and Dad - thank you. Thank you for never giving up on me, even in my darkest hour. Thank you for taking me under your wings and loving me. Thank you for listening to my fears and my sucesses, for loving my dear sweet boy Dakota, and my other children like they are your own grand children. Thank you for all of the good times and set realities in my life. I love you all so much, I love you more than words can say. And even though you 4 are those that I still believe will live forever, I know that one day God will call you home, just as he did our friend, brother, and commrad Ken and when that day comes I will cry for you as well, but remember that these are not all tears of sadness, but of memories and most of all of love. Mom, you know we have not always gotten along so well, but you are my best friend, you are the one I turn too the most when I need a question answered or just a shoulder to cry on. I love you so much. Daddy, you are my Boulder, my rock of support. I will never really know what you have done throughout my life, but I know you have never stopped believing in me. Sharon, you are like my second mother to me. You have always told me how it is, how it should be and I thank you for that. Phil. Words can not say how much you mean to me. You love so unconditionaly, so easily, You showed me how to do the same, Thank you Popa. This whole blog comes to one thing for the rest of you. Tell those you love how much you love them - daily. Don't wait, it may come to late. If you think someone may live forever, they won't but it's a nice feeling to think that. Let those around you know how much they mean to you, no matter how silly it may turn out to sound, tell them, they truely may not know how much they have touched your lives.