Christmas Letter

This year I am doing something a bit different. I am going to write the Christmas letter on here, rather than sending one with the Christmas cards. There are several reasons for this, and one of them being I didn't get the paper in time to send out letters to everyone... sorry and please pass it along if you'd like.

Merry Christmas 2010 and Happy New Year 2011

This year has brought a lot of change to us. After a whirl-wind ending last year, Mikayla spending her very first Christmas at Loma Linda Children's Hospital with an infection and coming home right before the New Year, and the boys spending the week of Christmas with dear friends and then Christmas without their little sister... We survived it and happy to say she is healthy and happy and a normal little girl.

January brought tidings of wonderful things, Mikayla being home the most important, and Jess and I brought in the New Year celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary. Micah turned 4 as well and is learning how to read and write too.

February brought more change. I lost my job with Statewide Storage, and that meant another move and no where to go. The same friends who took care of our boys over Christmas took us in and here we are still, turning a horrible situation into something special for them. Dakota started a new school, which is hard on any child, epically in the middle of a school year. He was blessed to be able to walk everyday and making new friends who live close.

The Spring did not bring much activity, warm weather and lots of playtime outside. We lost Jesse's Grandmother the week before Easter, and knowing that she is with our Lord for her favorite holidays and not in pain anymore is a nice thought.

This Summer, Dakota spent much time with my Mom and Dad at their Ranch in Arizona, learning how to make pottery, horseback riding and such. We are hoping that this Summer Micah will be able to go as well and enjoy it just as much. It also brought on birthdays and me deciding to go back to school - finally. I am doing well with this and enjoying every moment of earning my degree at home while spending more time with my kids. This season also brought forth a new addition to our family. Laura and her husband Matthew had their first child Elizabeth Lavonne.

In September Dakota turned 10 years old and started 5th grade. He was blessed with a teacher who is partial to red-heads and understands Dakota and how he is.

October brought sad news, as I lost my own Grandma Betty. She had been sick for so long it was a relief to us on some level, and it made me think of how thankful I am that I inherited her skills of baking, especially during the Christmas season when there is so much to do.

November Jesse turned 30! Now he's an old man :) He is still without a job and looking more and more each day.

For December, we lost another dear loved one in the beginning of the month and really are thankful for the loved ones we still have with us, but also take comfort that everyone we have lost are safe and warm within the arms of our Savior on HIS Birthday. We helped my parents move my last surviving Grandmother Lavonne up here to the High Desert, so she can be closer and we all can help Mom more with her.

We are hoping that this season brings lots of good wishes and tons of blessings to your family. My New Year's wish for everyone this year is that you cherish your loved ones, remember that no matter how bad things may seem, there is ALWAYS a silver lining and a light at the end. Hug and kiss your children often and tell those you love how much they mean to you always. Change is difficult, but not so powerful you can not overcome it.

God Bless you all and have a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Love all of us,

Jesse, Jillian, Dakota, Micah and Mikayla.

What a Day

Today was a dear friends funeral. This marks the third funeral this year I have attended, and out of all three I think this one hit me the hardest. I knew that Ken had impacted my life, and that he had touched so many lives in the course of his life, but until today I don't think I had ever really told anyone how much he had impacted mine. How much I loved him, I think I really take that for granted sometimes, and today I realized just how much I thought this man would live forever. I know he will live in our hearts for as long as we remember him, but really I thought he would always be there in my life... like I said forever. It was not so long ago, when a lost girl was trying to find her way in this world and a wonderful set of people, who loved my Mom and Dad so much,they took me into thier lives, opened thier hearts, and changed me forever. Ken, Phil and Sharon were these people. By opening thier arms and hearts, they taught me how to love fully. My Mom and Dad had shown me, and for some reason or another I ignored them, closing my heart to those who I knew loved me. Ken and Phil,along with Sharon for some reason I listened to them. I knew without a doubt that they were the REAL meaning of love and acceptance. Don't ask me why, but I have always known that I was a bit too much for my poor Mom and Dad at times, and I am so thnkful that these wonderful people were there for my Mom and Dad when I was so lost and consumed by myself and the world. Throughout this time this trio of Angels taught me how to overcome fears, to love with all of my heart and how to be the Mom, Wife and Child I needed and wanted to be my whole life. How to laugh when things looked grim and how to be charitable even when I felt worthless. I thank God everyday for these people. I think that my life without them would be far worse than my worse day, and far too lonely for me to bare. I am only sorry that I did not take the time in my busy life to go to Ken's home during these last days and see him, love him and thank him personally. Because of that I thanked his fmaily for sharing him with me. They know the struggle I've been through and they have never faulted me for any of it. So tonight I want to say to Phil and Sharon, to my own Mom and Dad - thank you. Thank you for never giving up on me, even in my darkest hour. Thank you for taking me under your wings and loving me. Thank you for listening to my fears and my sucesses, for loving my dear sweet boy Dakota, and my other children like they are your own grand children. Thank you for all of the good times and set realities in my life. I love you all so much, I love you more than words can say. And even though you 4 are those that I still believe will live forever, I know that one day God will call you home, just as he did our friend, brother, and commrad Ken and when that day comes I will cry for you as well, but remember that these are not all tears of sadness, but of memories and most of all of love. Mom, you know we have not always gotten along so well, but you are my best friend, you are the one I turn too the most when I need a question answered or just a shoulder to cry on. I love you so much. Daddy, you are my Boulder, my rock of support. I will never really know what you have done throughout my life, but I know you have never stopped believing in me. Sharon, you are like my second mother to me. You have always told me how it is, how it should be and I thank you for that. Phil. Words can not say how much you mean to me. You love so unconditionaly, so easily, You showed me how to do the same, Thank you Popa. This whole blog comes to one thing for the rest of you. Tell those you love how much you love them - daily. Don't wait, it may come to late. If you think someone may live forever, they won't but it's a nice feeling to think that. Let those around you know how much they mean to you, no matter how silly it may turn out to sound, tell them, they truely may not know how much they have touched your lives.

The aftermath so far

If you've been following this blog, than most of you know that things have been shaky... rocky and sometimes not so good. Well, I have not given up... Jesse has not given up. And since all the talks, the tears, the screaming and yelling have settled, things are looking up. It's not an easy thing to do, it's not easy to trust after the trust has been broken, but having Faith in God, that HE will answer prayers if that is HIS will is easy to trust in. Jesse has listened to everything I have said, weighed it in his own head and is working through what only he can work through, and although I have gone through different stages throughout our marriage, dating and all of that, this one I can not do alone and only he can get the help he needs, this time I can not hold his hand... He seems to know this and is working through it. As long as he does what is needed we will survive. So far the changes have been wonderful! We are talking honestly, working together, working through it and reconnecting again, as we should have done before. This time is different, THIS TIME Jesse is working with me through this and I am so happy for this. There is a difference in the atmosphere here at home, the kids are noticing, our roommate is noticing and we are laughing together again, tempers are better. I am not saying at any point that this will be or is an easy road. It has been rocky and bumpy, however, with God's guidance and all the prayers we have been receiving form all of you I am faithful that we will make it through this. Thank you for your prayers and thoughts of kindness, we are both thankful for them and I will keep you all informed.

Slipping...

Is it still Biblical to separate from your spouse if one partner has tried to make it work for a longtime and the other has not listened and has not tried to make it work until it maybe too late? Is it okay to say enough is enough and I need time, if quite frankly you just don't believe them anymore and you feel like you are suffocating in your own marriage? If you have been as honest with the other party as you have been for so long, and telling them you don't know if you want to stay anymore? What happens when you WANT to believe things will get better, and you pray they do and they only seem to be getting worse, and the trust you want to have just isn't there. When the other wants you to still hold their hand and you don't know whether or not you should continue to do so, or let go. When there is no longer a happy medium, it either is or it isn't. What happens then? I still don't have any answers, all I have the answers to is what I know. What I know seems more confusing than what I don't want to happen anymore. I am so confused. I need time, time apart because time around is not working. He wants to stay, I'm not sure that's the best thing. He thinks I'm not afraid, and I am petrified. I am trying to handle this with a level head, a smile plastered on my face for my kids. This is not working for me and I feel more lost now than a week ago. For me, it is getting harder and harder to hold on, I have known for awhile my grip on this marriage has been slipping, and now I can't feel the end of the rope with my legs anymore... I'm dangling, holding on with slippery hands... and I'm so scared.

MY story... MY anguish

As most of you read my blogs when posted on the Facebook site, you all have your own theories as to what is happening and some theories are not completely correct, although some would be easier to to handle and I would know where to go from here... sometimes I wish it would be as simple as an affair. But it's not simple and it's not an affair. Yes, I have lost my faith in a man. I have lost my trust in someone who made promises and then broke them. My heart is shattered into a billion pieces, and this is not something I take lightly - none of it. There are steps I do have to take, to ensure that in my own heart and soul I can say I tried, for my marriage and my kids... This is not easy at all, and I am terrified. I can't let it show, for fear that my kids will be more hurt than what the outcome may be. This blog is my story, my fight and my fears in fighting for a marriage I think is already doomed, and coming to terms with it. The issues at hand are not things that have just came up suddenly. They have been going on for years, and I have stood by and tried everything I have known to try. I have prayed, cried, pondered, suffered the emotional blows to shelter my children. But before I get into all of that, you all must know that it isn't always that bad. There is still love here in this marriage and there are good time. Sometimes however love and good-times just aren't enough to mend what has been broken. When you make the commitment to marry someone for better or for worse, I always thought that was enough... that the love two people had was enough to get through anything. I'm not so sure anymore. I can handle the occasional fight, the occasional argument and disagreement, I can stand by someone when I don't completely agree with them, if I know that the decisions are for the best. I can stand beside someone who is showing they are trying, even if it's not what I want all the way, but if it makes them happy it's okay. What I can't stand by and watch is when someone is no longer trying, not listening when there are problems and then wants to blame everyone else. THAT is where I draw the line. After 10 years, 6 of which we are married, and trying to make the man I married into the man he wanted to be, helping him, holding his hand and being so frustrated when he just won't help himself anymore, something has to give. There are other issues he has as well, that are private, and he is trying to get the help he needs for him. Trying to show me that he wants his family. But with 3 small children in the picture, do I continue to stand by him, do I have the strength to do that anymore? I don't know. I want to say that I do, I want to believe that I do. But those issues are his, they came with him and he allowed them to get in the way of his family and our marriage. Like I said before these issues have been going on a long time. For the last 2 years almost I have been trying to help him, I have been frustrated with him, getting in the middle of a father and his kids, to protect them from his attitudes. It has come down to an ultimatum and NOW he says he sees the light. This ultimatum was given before with a timeline and he did not believe me then and now I have until after Christmas to figure out the answers... continue or not to continue. This is not an easy decision, and I refuse to make it alone. I am MAKING him talk to me about this, trying not to get angry, trying to be rationale about it. I don't think I am seceding, because I have the right to be angry. When you lie to your spouse, for any reason, I believe it is a breech of trust, a sacred bond you PROMISED before God. And I can not forgive that easily... let me rephrase, I can not forgive him that easily. He has just started to take the steps he needs to help himself, which is a good-thing for him. I still find myself wondering if I should make him do it on his own, or should I continue to "hold his hand" if you will... I let him do this on his own, without my hand holding part of me thinks this would benefit him more. And yet, part of me feels that if I hold his hand I am no better than some and an hindering him, not making him take responsibility for his own actions... I'm torn, between my obligation as his wife and the obligation to myself and my kids... I am so lost, and so afraid. I continue to pray to God for His guidance. I pray for insight, for patience and for forgiveness. I have gotten some answers and a sense of peace through this and these are daily prayers, continuous prayers. I pray for healing in my own heart, so that no matter what happens we can heal some of these wounds this man has created. And as much as I pray for myself I pray for my kids to continue to love their father. I know I am strong, I always have been. I know I can overlook anything, but I have learned I can not fix anyone but myself, and I can give someone the tools to help themselves, but they are not my responsibility. Other than my kids, whom God has entrusted to me to raise and love and protect, my husband is not mine to fix... he is supposed to be my partner, not an enemy. We are supposed to be equals, and now I find ourselves sitting on opposite sides of the fence... so how do you say "we can try" when you know in your heart that trying should have happened long before this?

Crying yourself to sleep

There comes a time when you get slapped in the face with reality. When all that you thought was real, comes into focus and it becomes a delusion. This happened to me last night. My delusional state of things getting better, came crashing down with a blow to the side of my face like a hard cinder block. It was brutal, hurtful, and full of truth at the same time. What happens to oneself when this happens? When the realization that the trust and faith you had in a person feels like a huge lie, the realization that all you thought is now lost. You pray, and pray and pray some more; hoping that some how this new reality will just be a dream. After you pray, the tears come, the anger comes and you start telling the other party how YOU really feel, how hurt you are, how angry you are, and how lost you feel. When all the words and emotions are out, when there is nothing else to say, you are left with an emptiness, a loneliness that has become like a second skin over time. Emotionally drained and depleted. Is there anything left to do? When is it time to let go, knowing that even though you have stood by them for such a long time, have loved them, still love them, and yet... Yet you feel like a failure, a worthless piece of poo, all because you feel like giving up, walking way. If there's no faith and no trust, how do you believe the words that they will "try" to make things better, when you have given them the time to do so already, and they didn't take you seriously then. How do you believe that they will now? How do you pick yourself up and try again, when all your strength is in making sure the children involved are okay? When curled up into a ball crying yourself to sleep and the other party holding you, and their touch, what used to be comfort only makes it worse? Do you try and keep trying, when misery isn't what it used to be? You know what I mean, that misery of how good it used to feel, when everything was better, when you craved their touch and a look. Do you continue? Or is it just better to step aside and move on? If that is the answer, how do you do it? I thought we would last forever, but I think now I was wrong... So how do you end something that once was wonderful, and how in the world do you move forward if that is what needs to happen? How do you go about mending a shattered faith, trust and heart? And how do you protect those that God has placed in your care, from the hurt? I don't have the answers, and the fact that it is this time of year makes it worse... alot worse. But I'm not sure I'm that strong anymore...

Thanksgiving 2010

As I am preparing the Turkey, potatoes and all the trimmings, I am thinking of this past year. All the heartache and sorrow that has happened. As much as I am still saddened and angry at things that have happened to my family and to dear friends, I am thankful as well. Thankful that everyone I love is healthy, safe and with as much change as there has been, happy in their own ways. We all have had a trying year, most of us have lost our jobs, have lost our homes and have felt displaced. Some of us have lost loved ones and have suffered one tragady or another. Remember as you gather together to be thankful for the things that have happened. To practice what I preach I am going to list a few things here, please feel free to leave your own thoughts. This year I am thankful for... My children, whom have adapted to an awful year My husband, who loves me no matter what, and is always my guiding light when I feel lost in the dark. My family, Mom & Dad, Laura & her family, Jared & his little family, my Aunts and Uncles, In-laws and Out-laws My Friends, whom I love as much as my family. I am thankful most of all for a God that has a plan, I may not like the steps of this plan, but I know it is His will and with Him we will prevail. Happy Thanksgiving everyone, may He bless you and keep you all the rest of your days and beyond! My family will be praying that you all continue to be safe, healthy and happy :)

REALLY?!

:) Well, it's really been since July that I've written here, no wonder I feel so screwed up lol. So let's see important details to go over and then some highlights to touch upon. First and foremost, let me just say that sometimes life sucks and then it seems to get better and then ... well, and THEN there are moments when you think you are dreaming and this can't be your life at all... So Since July, Jess and I have been doing better. We are getting healthier individually and that is increasing the healthiness of us together. This is a good thing, and I'm happy about this. No marriage or relationship is ever smooth all the time and if you are willing to fight for it, then you better do it with your whole damn heart, otherwise you need to walk away and come what may. But then, I have learned, there are those relationships that seem toxic when confined and healthier when apart... well, for those of you who can survive this way I say, Good for you! Right now, there are so many emotions that have been flying through my head. Last month I lost my Grandmother, she was so sick for so long, that this was no big surprise, but it stung nonetheless and I think it hit harder than I thought it would, in many ways it still does. There have been other things that have happened here and there, and things that I am so happy about I am bursting to cry tears of joy, and then at the same time cry tears of pain as well. Sometimes you have to know when to step back and admit that things should have, could have, what ifs and what not's all happened- or didn't happen. I've been doing alot of work on me lately. Aug. brought the realization that I needed, wanted is more like it, to go back to school... so I did. Online, and doing well with my classes. I have thought about personal relationships and what I will and will not put up with anymore and all of this has caused me to come to the conclusion that, there are people I love, care for and will put up with their crap for most of my life, I am a forgiving person, most of the time, however there comes a time when enough is enough. I think for alot of people that time is now. Ties of any sort can be severed, and other ties can hang on by a thread for a long time. I know this is very vague, but there are issues at hand that I will not air out, it's not healthy by any means and after this blog I'm done. I can say, though that there are loves in my life I thought I had lost, by mutual hurts and such, and I am so thankful that even in the smallest way, the most round about way I know that I haven't lost them. This I think is the height of my emotions this week at least. Well, for now I think I'm finished and ready to rest. To others that have hurt those I love, and those I care about remember that Karma is a Bitch and WILL kick you right in the ass, and you DON'T mess with parents of any children. A relationship between parents and children, whether they be adopted, step or paternal/maternal are relationships that are and will be protected by EVERY adult around them.

Today

I had a sudden urge to call you today... yet, you won't allow it. You've decided to cut ties and tell lies; when will I learn that this is the same lesson that I should have learned over the last 20 years. This really sucks, and it makes me think that I really am a better person than you are. If you're reading this you are probably furious but read on and I will explain. Because mo matter how much you do me wrong I have always told the truth about you, I haven't smeared your name all over to everyone or anyone who will listen. I have always loved you, for who you are. This time however difficult is different. All the other times I have been able to walk away and not listen to the crap you had to say; this time makes me think that in the past you have done the same and looking back I have to wonder if this behavior is why others that we mutually know have shun me and that really makes me sad... you say you've been betrayed, but this behavior is an adolescent response to your own choices and choices others around you made on their own. This time I hate to say this... but this time we are through and I don't see a turning point. My heart brakes every weekend when my wonderful nephew is here to visit his Father, and tells me that his Auntie is bad... because his Mother said so... my response is always and will always be "well she can think that because I still love her." And you know what, it's true... as sad as I am it still holds true. Doesn't make it better, but again that shows him that I am a better person than his mother because instead of bad mouthing you to my children, to your children, to my family or to yours, I still love you... does not mean however I will forget, I may - in time forgive - but I will not forget. I have throughout my life learned some lessons that have taught me that I CAN forgive you, but I don't have to forget what you have said and what you continue to say.... Now that is said moving on to other things... I haven't written in awhile and I'm not sure why, I need too and instead I have become inverted within myself again. This blog was to be able to voice and rejoice - whichever the occasion called for. And there is SO much to voice and to rejoice in! Times everywhere are troubling and yet; through it all, I have found that no matter how impossible my husband seems to be I know without a doubt that he loves me. Rough waters can either sink you or make you swim harder. I have chosen to swim harder... It IS worth it and I know from lots of praying and thought that we will survive this too. Sometimes in life you can't always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there is... and right now I see a glowing shimmer of it :) Other than all of the above, life is good... because GOD has blessed me with love in abundance and with His peace I will survive!

ARGH

So yeah, things haven't been going so well here in my life. The kids are good, normal stresses; but added stress when it comes to my husband. I hav ementioned before that he's a good dad and all, but lately I can't seem to stand him! All he seems to do is sleep, he refuses to go to the doctor and find out what's going on, he will not go out and find a job, and when I told him I'm going to try and work from home he had the nerve to tell me "good that means I don't have to look for work if that works." Sigh, if I wanted to support all the kids on my own I wuld not have gotten married. He pushes for sex all the time, and when I don't want to give it up he gets mad.. Well who wants to give it up when I'm not happy with our relationship. Example: The other day I was cleaning up and going through things in the garage and trying to unpack things, he finally wakes up at 12pm and wants to know why I'm not snuggling with him! Well I was busy, 4 kids, and cleaning doing laundry, who wants to snuggle? So he tells me it takes 2... well yeah takes 2 in EVERYTHING not just in the bedroom. bitch bitch bitch... maon moan moan is all I'm hearing lately. Here it is already 930 in the morning, the 3 boys are outside, fed and playing. The baby is playing, dressed and fed and I'm writting, have laundry going and getting ready to clean up an ant mes in the kitchen and the livingroom. WHERE IS MY HELP? I ask? and since when does it takes 2 consist of him sleeping on the couch and not helping? Dakota and I have worked on the front yard all week and he hasn't done shit unless it has to do with yelling, sleeping and playing video games. I've talked to him about a week ago and told him that he had to get work, get out of the house, help out more or we will be getting a seperation. I don't think he heard me, or if he did doesn't think I'm serious. This is not the man I married and I've about had it. I guess he will take me seriously when I've really had it and ask him to leave. He sounds like his mom lately and if I wanted to be married to his mother I'd still live with her.

thoughts and feelings

So hows this for not writting for awhile - 2 weeks I think - I've been in mood. Not sure what kind of mood, some moments I'm happy, then content, then not so happy and wishing things were differant... maybe a differant life, a differant me maybe... the old me, the new me, the me that I had dreams to accomplish... but never not a mommy me! And how does that bode for my moods? Not well. But then I think maybe have I just lost that connection with people who've made me happy throughout my life? So I started reconnecting with those people.. and my mood is good while I'm talking to them, and then I'm moody again when I'm not.. and what does that say about me and the life I've allowed myself to have? I feel sad while writting this and I want to cry... so what am I to do? I love my family and my husband but I can't help thinking there may be something more I'm missing... something I've lost along the way... some path I didn't take and now it's catching up to me. So what do I do, who do I turn too, how do I work this out? Do I just do as I've done before and ignore it and move forward, do I TRY to talk to a man that doesn't understand and takes it personally all the time? Do I say I need a break and walk away for a bit? I suppose I do what I've always done and move on... move forward and surpress it somemore... yeah for me... I think not.

Good Saturday morning to you all

It's the weekend and I think on this blog "quest" I am on I will take the weekends off from writing unless something drastic needs to be said... so with that have a GREAT weekend and I will see you all Monday!

Friday Morning

Good Morning everyone who reads... or doesn't. Today has started as a wonderful day. My loving husband got up with our daughter @ 4:30 this AM, so that I didn't have too; fed 3 boys and got 1 off to school, all without waking me up... God has truely blessed me with a wonderful husband who tries his hardest to make me happy. So yesterday I really wanted to get the front bathroom floor done... well not really really, but I know it needs to get done; and wouldn't you know it... I didn't get it done. And why is that you may be wondering... well, laundry was priority and then it was figuring out dinner and putting that together, then the kids (and mind you there is an extra one this weekend)... and lots of playing, a movie with the husband in the middle of the day... all in all it was busy but full of fun with the kiddos mostly. SO today, I am REALLY going to get the bathroom floor done! lol... we shall see! and I need to start to planning a fun filled day at the park with ALL the kids for tomorrow... and more laundry :) So have a good day and God bless which ever path you take today!

Irritated

So I was going to wait to post another one of these until later tonight, however I'm a little floored right now... My 3 year old Nephew (Danny's son) just came over to spend the weekend here with his Dad and with us... as I'm talking to him after hugs and juice... and as I'm taking black nail polish off of his fingernails (per his Dad's request) he tells me "My Mommy says you're bad." WOW! I knew she still blames me for her breakup with Danny (which btw was ALL his doing thankyou) because we had to move in here... But WOW! So now I'm sitting here floored... absolutly floored! If I were in Danny's shoes I'd want the parent to know, so I took a break and talked to Danny.. outside, away from ears... and I'm thinking to myself if this kid really felt this way why the hugs... why the "I missed you" ... Hmmm so Danny came in and talked to him and this wonderful, sweet 3 year old says "I didn't say that Mommy did," lol I just had to laugh to myself... I'm a good person with faults; his mother and I have known eachother 17+ years and this is not the first time something like this has happened between us... she hsa always blamed me for something or another and that's alright... because I know this WAS NOT my fault. So in the meantime the 2 boys are playing, having a good time and Jesse and I are cleaning things up around here for another couple of hours until it's off to do some running around with the kiddos and guitar lessons for Dakota. I guess this really just floored me because up until now I thought (and I know better) that she was doing really well keeping her opinons away from her kids. Does she not understand that our 2 boys are joined at the hip? It's two peas in a pod, just 18 months apart. Does she think it's ok to bad mouth me in front of her kids yet ok for Jesse and I to watch her kids? How fair is that? It's not, but we enjoy our time with him and miss the other two girls so much it hurts... 17 years of friendship does not discenigrate with a fall out of any sort. On another note (gave that WAY too much attention) I think we are going to the fair tonight if we can swing it... it may be too hot and we may try to go when Danny is with us. It would be fun to go and just see what is there. My sister in-law entered some photographs she has taken and I would love to see them. we shall see if we can make the fincial arrangements to go. I'm looking at everything we have to do by the end of the month and what June is going to provide... June is SO busy! We have a graduation of Jesse's cousin Betsy on the 10th, Danny's birthday on the 20th and of course Eclipse on the 30th! Busy busy month but well worth it! next month is also Dakota's last month of school and I am so looking forward to that... a few weeks at the ranch with his Nanna will be good for him I think; although, Micah will miss him so much! O.K. off to finish my daily chores and then some before I run out of time. Dinner is already in the crockpot and the kitchen is done... laundry is started and the front bathroom is next... oops look at the time I think lunch should be started first! May God be your guide today and may you always follow whatever it is he places in your heart!

Another day here @ home

Good morning readers (or to myself) So today we shall see if I can get more things done ... or not. The kitchen it pretty well scrubbed down and more laundry needs to be done and so forth and so on. So in the spirit of this blog (as I can see it going this way) I will write later on what has happened today - until then here's the outline of what I know is supposed to happen... Lucien comes back to the house today for the weekend so he will be here... The boys room needs to be gone through and re-organized... LAundry of course.. the bathroom and floors in there need to be done... Guitar lessons for Dakota later this afternoon... and perhaps some yard work when it cools off this evening. Wish me luck and lets see how it goes

n the day and the life of me

So today was eventful - to say the least. My eldest son got a referral yesterday and on the referral it stated "recess detention for saying a BB GUN WILL HURT SOMEONE"... WOW! was my thought; why in the world would a 9 year old get into trouble for stating the obvious? So of course off to the principles office I went today, along with my husband... and the #1 answer I got was "It was a conversation that went wrong"... O.K. so the school is now telling me that because my son knows the differance between right and wrong and when another student tells him that BB guns won't hurt someone and my son CORRECTS him it's ok for the teacher and princeiple to over-react and get MY kid into trouble? Umm NO! What has this world come too? So here we sit, in the principles office explaining that Dakota is VERY black and white... he calls them as he sees them and it is NOT ok for him to get into trouble for stating the TRUTH! nor is it ok for him to have to apologize to students who (according to him and this was addressed) are trying to "mob" him in the play ground for a conversation THEY WERE ALL having! This is how my day starts... GREAT! So on to the rest of the day, everything is going well here at the house, grocery shopping and cleaning and laundry... pretty uneventful stuff. But an under-lying sense of something is wrong. If you have or have ever had a spouse you know that when your husband asks you "what's wrong" and you have TRIED to talk to them for weeks this is bad... well a blow up occured between him and I. When I say blow up I don't mean screaming and yelling - we don't do that esp. with the kids home, it's not healthy for them to see that nor to hear it. So a conversation ensued and a bunch of stuff was released that doesn't need to be blown up here, it's a private matter or a sense of pride. But I will say that a lack of communication is not good and the sense of "just being really good friends" is not a good feeling either. Here's hoping he heard me (yes it felt that one sided) and here's hoping we can get through this. We have gotten through worse and with flying colors, I don't see us not getting through this one. Then dinner (burritos) and kids baths, now it's relax time and hopefully some one on one time with my hubby... without heavy conversations... night

The beginning

I've re-written this introduction to this blog more than once and I find myself rmabling, which means I need this blog more than I thought. SO let's try it this way, for today's entry I will give you a slight background on me and this household I live in and go from there. I'm 30-something, have 3 wonderful children; 2 boys and a little girl. I'm a wife to a wonderful husband who puts up with everything this world has thrown at us with support and love, who is also a WONDERUFL father to his children. I am a daughter to the most supportive and loving parents I think could ever exisit and an older sister to a brother and 1 younger sister. My children and husband and I recently had to move in with our longtime friend and his son, who is 18 months younger than my youngest son. There is alot to go along with way and when and I did not set this site up for that. My husband and I have been married for 5 and 1/2 years now and they have been wonderful years for the most part; we are only human and with Gods strength and love we have survived EVERY trial and tribulation together. Jesse is younger than by a couple of years and comes from a differant back-ground than I, but also comes from a loving family. My children are Dakota who is 9, Micah who is 4, and Mikayla who just turned 1. They are adorable and loving, stubborn and hard-headed, just like thier parents. Our roommate (who is my husbands best friend) Danny and his son Lucien are also going to be apart of this writting along the way because, with the cirumstances in today's economy we can not survive without them and them without us... this household is; in my opinon only, today's "Modern Family" and we make it work with communication and support. With all of that said I think as a begninng this is good. I do have to get going with "chores" around the house and will most likely be back later to fill you in with the rest of life that happens today! God Bless