ARGH

So yeah, things haven't been going so well here in my life. The kids are good, normal stresses; but added stress when it comes to my husband. I hav ementioned before that he's a good dad and all, but lately I can't seem to stand him! All he seems to do is sleep, he refuses to go to the doctor and find out what's going on, he will not go out and find a job, and when I told him I'm going to try and work from home he had the nerve to tell me "good that means I don't have to look for work if that works." Sigh, if I wanted to support all the kids on my own I wuld not have gotten married. He pushes for sex all the time, and when I don't want to give it up he gets mad.. Well who wants to give it up when I'm not happy with our relationship. Example: The other day I was cleaning up and going through things in the garage and trying to unpack things, he finally wakes up at 12pm and wants to know why I'm not snuggling with him! Well I was busy, 4 kids, and cleaning doing laundry, who wants to snuggle? So he tells me it takes 2... well yeah takes 2 in EVERYTHING not just in the bedroom. bitch bitch bitch... maon moan moan is all I'm hearing lately. Here it is already 930 in the morning, the 3 boys are outside, fed and playing. The baby is playing, dressed and fed and I'm writting, have laundry going and getting ready to clean up an ant mes in the kitchen and the livingroom. WHERE IS MY HELP? I ask? and since when does it takes 2 consist of him sleeping on the couch and not helping? Dakota and I have worked on the front yard all week and he hasn't done shit unless it has to do with yelling, sleeping and playing video games. I've talked to him about a week ago and told him that he had to get work, get out of the house, help out more or we will be getting a seperation. I don't think he heard me, or if he did doesn't think I'm serious. This is not the man I married and I've about had it. I guess he will take me seriously when I've really had it and ask him to leave. He sounds like his mom lately and if I wanted to be married to his mother I'd still live with her.

thoughts and feelings

So hows this for not writting for awhile - 2 weeks I think - I've been in mood. Not sure what kind of mood, some moments I'm happy, then content, then not so happy and wishing things were differant... maybe a differant life, a differant me maybe... the old me, the new me, the me that I had dreams to accomplish... but never not a mommy me! And how does that bode for my moods? Not well. But then I think maybe have I just lost that connection with people who've made me happy throughout my life? So I started reconnecting with those people.. and my mood is good while I'm talking to them, and then I'm moody again when I'm not.. and what does that say about me and the life I've allowed myself to have? I feel sad while writting this and I want to cry... so what am I to do? I love my family and my husband but I can't help thinking there may be something more I'm missing... something I've lost along the way... some path I didn't take and now it's catching up to me. So what do I do, who do I turn too, how do I work this out? Do I just do as I've done before and ignore it and move forward, do I TRY to talk to a man that doesn't understand and takes it personally all the time? Do I say I need a break and walk away for a bit? I suppose I do what I've always done and move on... move forward and surpress it somemore... yeah for me... I think not.