MY story... MY anguish

As most of you read my blogs when posted on the Facebook site, you all have your own theories as to what is happening and some theories are not completely correct, although some would be easier to to handle and I would know where to go from here... sometimes I wish it would be as simple as an affair. But it's not simple and it's not an affair. Yes, I have lost my faith in a man. I have lost my trust in someone who made promises and then broke them. My heart is shattered into a billion pieces, and this is not something I take lightly - none of it. There are steps I do have to take, to ensure that in my own heart and soul I can say I tried, for my marriage and my kids... This is not easy at all, and I am terrified. I can't let it show, for fear that my kids will be more hurt than what the outcome may be. This blog is my story, my fight and my fears in fighting for a marriage I think is already doomed, and coming to terms with it. The issues at hand are not things that have just came up suddenly. They have been going on for years, and I have stood by and tried everything I have known to try. I have prayed, cried, pondered, suffered the emotional blows to shelter my children. But before I get into all of that, you all must know that it isn't always that bad. There is still love here in this marriage and there are good time. Sometimes however love and good-times just aren't enough to mend what has been broken. When you make the commitment to marry someone for better or for worse, I always thought that was enough... that the love two people had was enough to get through anything. I'm not so sure anymore. I can handle the occasional fight, the occasional argument and disagreement, I can stand by someone when I don't completely agree with them, if I know that the decisions are for the best. I can stand beside someone who is showing they are trying, even if it's not what I want all the way, but if it makes them happy it's okay. What I can't stand by and watch is when someone is no longer trying, not listening when there are problems and then wants to blame everyone else. THAT is where I draw the line. After 10 years, 6 of which we are married, and trying to make the man I married into the man he wanted to be, helping him, holding his hand and being so frustrated when he just won't help himself anymore, something has to give. There are other issues he has as well, that are private, and he is trying to get the help he needs for him. Trying to show me that he wants his family. But with 3 small children in the picture, do I continue to stand by him, do I have the strength to do that anymore? I don't know. I want to say that I do, I want to believe that I do. But those issues are his, they came with him and he allowed them to get in the way of his family and our marriage. Like I said before these issues have been going on a long time. For the last 2 years almost I have been trying to help him, I have been frustrated with him, getting in the middle of a father and his kids, to protect them from his attitudes. It has come down to an ultimatum and NOW he says he sees the light. This ultimatum was given before with a timeline and he did not believe me then and now I have until after Christmas to figure out the answers... continue or not to continue. This is not an easy decision, and I refuse to make it alone. I am MAKING him talk to me about this, trying not to get angry, trying to be rationale about it. I don't think I am seceding, because I have the right to be angry. When you lie to your spouse, for any reason, I believe it is a breech of trust, a sacred bond you PROMISED before God. And I can not forgive that easily... let me rephrase, I can not forgive him that easily. He has just started to take the steps he needs to help himself, which is a good-thing for him. I still find myself wondering if I should make him do it on his own, or should I continue to "hold his hand" if you will... I let him do this on his own, without my hand holding part of me thinks this would benefit him more. And yet, part of me feels that if I hold his hand I am no better than some and an hindering him, not making him take responsibility for his own actions... I'm torn, between my obligation as his wife and the obligation to myself and my kids... I am so lost, and so afraid. I continue to pray to God for His guidance. I pray for insight, for patience and for forgiveness. I have gotten some answers and a sense of peace through this and these are daily prayers, continuous prayers. I pray for healing in my own heart, so that no matter what happens we can heal some of these wounds this man has created. And as much as I pray for myself I pray for my kids to continue to love their father. I know I am strong, I always have been. I know I can overlook anything, but I have learned I can not fix anyone but myself, and I can give someone the tools to help themselves, but they are not my responsibility. Other than my kids, whom God has entrusted to me to raise and love and protect, my husband is not mine to fix... he is supposed to be my partner, not an enemy. We are supposed to be equals, and now I find ourselves sitting on opposite sides of the fence... so how do you say "we can try" when you know in your heart that trying should have happened long before this?

Crying yourself to sleep

There comes a time when you get slapped in the face with reality. When all that you thought was real, comes into focus and it becomes a delusion. This happened to me last night. My delusional state of things getting better, came crashing down with a blow to the side of my face like a hard cinder block. It was brutal, hurtful, and full of truth at the same time. What happens to oneself when this happens? When the realization that the trust and faith you had in a person feels like a huge lie, the realization that all you thought is now lost. You pray, and pray and pray some more; hoping that some how this new reality will just be a dream. After you pray, the tears come, the anger comes and you start telling the other party how YOU really feel, how hurt you are, how angry you are, and how lost you feel. When all the words and emotions are out, when there is nothing else to say, you are left with an emptiness, a loneliness that has become like a second skin over time. Emotionally drained and depleted. Is there anything left to do? When is it time to let go, knowing that even though you have stood by them for such a long time, have loved them, still love them, and yet... Yet you feel like a failure, a worthless piece of poo, all because you feel like giving up, walking way. If there's no faith and no trust, how do you believe the words that they will "try" to make things better, when you have given them the time to do so already, and they didn't take you seriously then. How do you believe that they will now? How do you pick yourself up and try again, when all your strength is in making sure the children involved are okay? When curled up into a ball crying yourself to sleep and the other party holding you, and their touch, what used to be comfort only makes it worse? Do you try and keep trying, when misery isn't what it used to be? You know what I mean, that misery of how good it used to feel, when everything was better, when you craved their touch and a look. Do you continue? Or is it just better to step aside and move on? If that is the answer, how do you do it? I thought we would last forever, but I think now I was wrong... So how do you end something that once was wonderful, and how in the world do you move forward if that is what needs to happen? How do you go about mending a shattered faith, trust and heart? And how do you protect those that God has placed in your care, from the hurt? I don't have the answers, and the fact that it is this time of year makes it worse... alot worse. But I'm not sure I'm that strong anymore...

Thanksgiving 2010

As I am preparing the Turkey, potatoes and all the trimmings, I am thinking of this past year. All the heartache and sorrow that has happened. As much as I am still saddened and angry at things that have happened to my family and to dear friends, I am thankful as well. Thankful that everyone I love is healthy, safe and with as much change as there has been, happy in their own ways. We all have had a trying year, most of us have lost our jobs, have lost our homes and have felt displaced. Some of us have lost loved ones and have suffered one tragady or another. Remember as you gather together to be thankful for the things that have happened. To practice what I preach I am going to list a few things here, please feel free to leave your own thoughts. This year I am thankful for... My children, whom have adapted to an awful year My husband, who loves me no matter what, and is always my guiding light when I feel lost in the dark. My family, Mom & Dad, Laura & her family, Jared & his little family, my Aunts and Uncles, In-laws and Out-laws My Friends, whom I love as much as my family. I am thankful most of all for a God that has a plan, I may not like the steps of this plan, but I know it is His will and with Him we will prevail. Happy Thanksgiving everyone, may He bless you and keep you all the rest of your days and beyond! My family will be praying that you all continue to be safe, healthy and happy :)

REALLY?!

:) Well, it's really been since July that I've written here, no wonder I feel so screwed up lol. So let's see important details to go over and then some highlights to touch upon. First and foremost, let me just say that sometimes life sucks and then it seems to get better and then ... well, and THEN there are moments when you think you are dreaming and this can't be your life at all... So Since July, Jess and I have been doing better. We are getting healthier individually and that is increasing the healthiness of us together. This is a good thing, and I'm happy about this. No marriage or relationship is ever smooth all the time and if you are willing to fight for it, then you better do it with your whole damn heart, otherwise you need to walk away and come what may. But then, I have learned, there are those relationships that seem toxic when confined and healthier when apart... well, for those of you who can survive this way I say, Good for you! Right now, there are so many emotions that have been flying through my head. Last month I lost my Grandmother, she was so sick for so long, that this was no big surprise, but it stung nonetheless and I think it hit harder than I thought it would, in many ways it still does. There have been other things that have happened here and there, and things that I am so happy about I am bursting to cry tears of joy, and then at the same time cry tears of pain as well. Sometimes you have to know when to step back and admit that things should have, could have, what ifs and what not's all happened- or didn't happen. I've been doing alot of work on me lately. Aug. brought the realization that I needed, wanted is more like it, to go back to school... so I did. Online, and doing well with my classes. I have thought about personal relationships and what I will and will not put up with anymore and all of this has caused me to come to the conclusion that, there are people I love, care for and will put up with their crap for most of my life, I am a forgiving person, most of the time, however there comes a time when enough is enough. I think for alot of people that time is now. Ties of any sort can be severed, and other ties can hang on by a thread for a long time. I know this is very vague, but there are issues at hand that I will not air out, it's not healthy by any means and after this blog I'm done. I can say, though that there are loves in my life I thought I had lost, by mutual hurts and such, and I am so thankful that even in the smallest way, the most round about way I know that I haven't lost them. This I think is the height of my emotions this week at least. Well, for now I think I'm finished and ready to rest. To others that have hurt those I love, and those I care about remember that Karma is a Bitch and WILL kick you right in the ass, and you DON'T mess with parents of any children. A relationship between parents and children, whether they be adopted, step or paternal/maternal are relationships that are and will be protected by EVERY adult around them.