MY story... MY anguish

As most of you read my blogs when posted on the Facebook site, you all have your own theories as to what is happening and some theories are not completely correct, although some would be easier to to handle and I would know where to go from here... sometimes I wish it would be as simple as an affair. But it's not simple and it's not an affair. Yes, I have lost my faith in a man. I have lost my trust in someone who made promises and then broke them. My heart is shattered into a billion pieces, and this is not something I take lightly - none of it. There are steps I do have to take, to ensure that in my own heart and soul I can say I tried, for my marriage and my kids... This is not easy at all, and I am terrified. I can't let it show, for fear that my kids will be more hurt than what the outcome may be. This blog is my story, my fight and my fears in fighting for a marriage I think is already doomed, and coming to terms with it. The issues at hand are not things that have just came up suddenly. They have been going on for years, and I have stood by and tried everything I have known to try. I have prayed, cried, pondered, suffered the emotional blows to shelter my children. But before I get into all of that, you all must know that it isn't always that bad. There is still love here in this marriage and there are good time. Sometimes however love and good-times just aren't enough to mend what has been broken. When you make the commitment to marry someone for better or for worse, I always thought that was enough... that the love two people had was enough to get through anything. I'm not so sure anymore. I can handle the occasional fight, the occasional argument and disagreement, I can stand by someone when I don't completely agree with them, if I know that the decisions are for the best. I can stand beside someone who is showing they are trying, even if it's not what I want all the way, but if it makes them happy it's okay. What I can't stand by and watch is when someone is no longer trying, not listening when there are problems and then wants to blame everyone else. THAT is where I draw the line. After 10 years, 6 of which we are married, and trying to make the man I married into the man he wanted to be, helping him, holding his hand and being so frustrated when he just won't help himself anymore, something has to give. There are other issues he has as well, that are private, and he is trying to get the help he needs for him. Trying to show me that he wants his family. But with 3 small children in the picture, do I continue to stand by him, do I have the strength to do that anymore? I don't know. I want to say that I do, I want to believe that I do. But those issues are his, they came with him and he allowed them to get in the way of his family and our marriage. Like I said before these issues have been going on a long time. For the last 2 years almost I have been trying to help him, I have been frustrated with him, getting in the middle of a father and his kids, to protect them from his attitudes. It has come down to an ultimatum and NOW he says he sees the light. This ultimatum was given before with a timeline and he did not believe me then and now I have until after Christmas to figure out the answers... continue or not to continue. This is not an easy decision, and I refuse to make it alone. I am MAKING him talk to me about this, trying not to get angry, trying to be rationale about it. I don't think I am seceding, because I have the right to be angry. When you lie to your spouse, for any reason, I believe it is a breech of trust, a sacred bond you PROMISED before God. And I can not forgive that easily... let me rephrase, I can not forgive him that easily. He has just started to take the steps he needs to help himself, which is a good-thing for him. I still find myself wondering if I should make him do it on his own, or should I continue to "hold his hand" if you will... I let him do this on his own, without my hand holding part of me thinks this would benefit him more. And yet, part of me feels that if I hold his hand I am no better than some and an hindering him, not making him take responsibility for his own actions... I'm torn, between my obligation as his wife and the obligation to myself and my kids... I am so lost, and so afraid. I continue to pray to God for His guidance. I pray for insight, for patience and for forgiveness. I have gotten some answers and a sense of peace through this and these are daily prayers, continuous prayers. I pray for healing in my own heart, so that no matter what happens we can heal some of these wounds this man has created. And as much as I pray for myself I pray for my kids to continue to love their father. I know I am strong, I always have been. I know I can overlook anything, but I have learned I can not fix anyone but myself, and I can give someone the tools to help themselves, but they are not my responsibility. Other than my kids, whom God has entrusted to me to raise and love and protect, my husband is not mine to fix... he is supposed to be my partner, not an enemy. We are supposed to be equals, and now I find ourselves sitting on opposite sides of the fence... so how do you say "we can try" when you know in your heart that trying should have happened long before this?