Christmas Letter

This year I am doing something a bit different. I am going to write the Christmas letter on here, rather than sending one with the Christmas cards. There are several reasons for this, and one of them being I didn't get the paper in time to send out letters to everyone... sorry and please pass it along if you'd like.

Merry Christmas 2010 and Happy New Year 2011

This year has brought a lot of change to us. After a whirl-wind ending last year, Mikayla spending her very first Christmas at Loma Linda Children's Hospital with an infection and coming home right before the New Year, and the boys spending the week of Christmas with dear friends and then Christmas without their little sister... We survived it and happy to say she is healthy and happy and a normal little girl.

January brought tidings of wonderful things, Mikayla being home the most important, and Jess and I brought in the New Year celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary. Micah turned 4 as well and is learning how to read and write too.

February brought more change. I lost my job with Statewide Storage, and that meant another move and no where to go. The same friends who took care of our boys over Christmas took us in and here we are still, turning a horrible situation into something special for them. Dakota started a new school, which is hard on any child, epically in the middle of a school year. He was blessed to be able to walk everyday and making new friends who live close.

The Spring did not bring much activity, warm weather and lots of playtime outside. We lost Jesse's Grandmother the week before Easter, and knowing that she is with our Lord for her favorite holidays and not in pain anymore is a nice thought.

This Summer, Dakota spent much time with my Mom and Dad at their Ranch in Arizona, learning how to make pottery, horseback riding and such. We are hoping that this Summer Micah will be able to go as well and enjoy it just as much. It also brought on birthdays and me deciding to go back to school - finally. I am doing well with this and enjoying every moment of earning my degree at home while spending more time with my kids. This season also brought forth a new addition to our family. Laura and her husband Matthew had their first child Elizabeth Lavonne.

In September Dakota turned 10 years old and started 5th grade. He was blessed with a teacher who is partial to red-heads and understands Dakota and how he is.

October brought sad news, as I lost my own Grandma Betty. She had been sick for so long it was a relief to us on some level, and it made me think of how thankful I am that I inherited her skills of baking, especially during the Christmas season when there is so much to do.

November Jesse turned 30! Now he's an old man :) He is still without a job and looking more and more each day.

For December, we lost another dear loved one in the beginning of the month and really are thankful for the loved ones we still have with us, but also take comfort that everyone we have lost are safe and warm within the arms of our Savior on HIS Birthday. We helped my parents move my last surviving Grandmother Lavonne up here to the High Desert, so she can be closer and we all can help Mom more with her.

We are hoping that this season brings lots of good wishes and tons of blessings to your family. My New Year's wish for everyone this year is that you cherish your loved ones, remember that no matter how bad things may seem, there is ALWAYS a silver lining and a light at the end. Hug and kiss your children often and tell those you love how much they mean to you always. Change is difficult, but not so powerful you can not overcome it.

God Bless you all and have a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Love all of us,

Jesse, Jillian, Dakota, Micah and Mikayla.

What a Day

Today was a dear friends funeral. This marks the third funeral this year I have attended, and out of all three I think this one hit me the hardest. I knew that Ken had impacted my life, and that he had touched so many lives in the course of his life, but until today I don't think I had ever really told anyone how much he had impacted mine. How much I loved him, I think I really take that for granted sometimes, and today I realized just how much I thought this man would live forever. I know he will live in our hearts for as long as we remember him, but really I thought he would always be there in my life... like I said forever. It was not so long ago, when a lost girl was trying to find her way in this world and a wonderful set of people, who loved my Mom and Dad so much,they took me into thier lives, opened thier hearts, and changed me forever. Ken, Phil and Sharon were these people. By opening thier arms and hearts, they taught me how to love fully. My Mom and Dad had shown me, and for some reason or another I ignored them, closing my heart to those who I knew loved me. Ken and Phil,along with Sharon for some reason I listened to them. I knew without a doubt that they were the REAL meaning of love and acceptance. Don't ask me why, but I have always known that I was a bit too much for my poor Mom and Dad at times, and I am so thnkful that these wonderful people were there for my Mom and Dad when I was so lost and consumed by myself and the world. Throughout this time this trio of Angels taught me how to overcome fears, to love with all of my heart and how to be the Mom, Wife and Child I needed and wanted to be my whole life. How to laugh when things looked grim and how to be charitable even when I felt worthless. I thank God everyday for these people. I think that my life without them would be far worse than my worse day, and far too lonely for me to bare. I am only sorry that I did not take the time in my busy life to go to Ken's home during these last days and see him, love him and thank him personally. Because of that I thanked his fmaily for sharing him with me. They know the struggle I've been through and they have never faulted me for any of it. So tonight I want to say to Phil and Sharon, to my own Mom and Dad - thank you. Thank you for never giving up on me, even in my darkest hour. Thank you for taking me under your wings and loving me. Thank you for listening to my fears and my sucesses, for loving my dear sweet boy Dakota, and my other children like they are your own grand children. Thank you for all of the good times and set realities in my life. I love you all so much, I love you more than words can say. And even though you 4 are those that I still believe will live forever, I know that one day God will call you home, just as he did our friend, brother, and commrad Ken and when that day comes I will cry for you as well, but remember that these are not all tears of sadness, but of memories and most of all of love. Mom, you know we have not always gotten along so well, but you are my best friend, you are the one I turn too the most when I need a question answered or just a shoulder to cry on. I love you so much. Daddy, you are my Boulder, my rock of support. I will never really know what you have done throughout my life, but I know you have never stopped believing in me. Sharon, you are like my second mother to me. You have always told me how it is, how it should be and I thank you for that. Phil. Words can not say how much you mean to me. You love so unconditionaly, so easily, You showed me how to do the same, Thank you Popa. This whole blog comes to one thing for the rest of you. Tell those you love how much you love them - daily. Don't wait, it may come to late. If you think someone may live forever, they won't but it's a nice feeling to think that. Let those around you know how much they mean to you, no matter how silly it may turn out to sound, tell them, they truely may not know how much they have touched your lives.

The aftermath so far

If you've been following this blog, than most of you know that things have been shaky... rocky and sometimes not so good. Well, I have not given up... Jesse has not given up. And since all the talks, the tears, the screaming and yelling have settled, things are looking up. It's not an easy thing to do, it's not easy to trust after the trust has been broken, but having Faith in God, that HE will answer prayers if that is HIS will is easy to trust in. Jesse has listened to everything I have said, weighed it in his own head and is working through what only he can work through, and although I have gone through different stages throughout our marriage, dating and all of that, this one I can not do alone and only he can get the help he needs, this time I can not hold his hand... He seems to know this and is working through it. As long as he does what is needed we will survive. So far the changes have been wonderful! We are talking honestly, working together, working through it and reconnecting again, as we should have done before. This time is different, THIS TIME Jesse is working with me through this and I am so happy for this. There is a difference in the atmosphere here at home, the kids are noticing, our roommate is noticing and we are laughing together again, tempers are better. I am not saying at any point that this will be or is an easy road. It has been rocky and bumpy, however, with God's guidance and all the prayers we have been receiving form all of you I am faithful that we will make it through this. Thank you for your prayers and thoughts of kindness, we are both thankful for them and I will keep you all informed.

Slipping...

Is it still Biblical to separate from your spouse if one partner has tried to make it work for a longtime and the other has not listened and has not tried to make it work until it maybe too late? Is it okay to say enough is enough and I need time, if quite frankly you just don't believe them anymore and you feel like you are suffocating in your own marriage? If you have been as honest with the other party as you have been for so long, and telling them you don't know if you want to stay anymore? What happens when you WANT to believe things will get better, and you pray they do and they only seem to be getting worse, and the trust you want to have just isn't there. When the other wants you to still hold their hand and you don't know whether or not you should continue to do so, or let go. When there is no longer a happy medium, it either is or it isn't. What happens then? I still don't have any answers, all I have the answers to is what I know. What I know seems more confusing than what I don't want to happen anymore. I am so confused. I need time, time apart because time around is not working. He wants to stay, I'm not sure that's the best thing. He thinks I'm not afraid, and I am petrified. I am trying to handle this with a level head, a smile plastered on my face for my kids. This is not working for me and I feel more lost now than a week ago. For me, it is getting harder and harder to hold on, I have known for awhile my grip on this marriage has been slipping, and now I can't feel the end of the rope with my legs anymore... I'm dangling, holding on with slippery hands... and I'm so scared.